Yesterday, after spending some time with his aunt who is gonna have a new baby soon, Major whispered in my ear..."do you wish you didn't have a boo boo in your belly so I could grow in you and not in Maelynn?"
My answer:
"Yes baby, I wish that so much, but I am so grateful for you and for Maelynn and how she brought you from heaven."
In his precious little 4 year old world, that was it. He hugged me then started playing again. I'm so grateful for his innocence, his transparency, his honesty in knowing our story.
I prayed with him that night and thanked God for his life. I also prayed for him to know that he grew in my heart just not under it and that was ok because that's how God designed for our family to be.
Still, the knot in my throat hasn't gone away.
I struggle, still, with infertility. With the stupid WHY question. I struggle a little when people ask me when Major will have a brother or sister. We laugh and say we are "one and done", but I don't wish that. That's just how it is. I cope with it.
I'm in a better place now than I was a year or so ago when I think about babies. I don't have baby fever like I did before. I don't ache anymore. I know God gave us a precious gift in Major. He is for us to love and spoil and focus on. Just him. I'm grateful for that.
But we are at a point in Majors life where he is asking lots of questions about his story, Maelynn, his adoption, why I can't grow babies like other Mamas and those things will never be easy. The conversations, questions, all of that's hard. I never want him to feel different because of how he came to us. I never want him to feel like he is less of me because of his adoption. My prayer is that he knows he was CHOSEN to be ours.
His little hand fitting inside of mine, my fingers scratching his sweet little back, his arms around my neck and a love bigger than any love I could fathom makes all the stuff that doesn't make sense ok. It makes it all ok. He is mine, I am his, forever and ever and ever.
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This is really beautifully said. I can not relate to your story, but I can imagine that any child of mine, whether they grew in me or just for me through another, would be loved just the same. Major is lucky to have you. I can not imagine the struggles of not having children, and I am assuming that they will never fully fade away, but you are lucky that you realize and are so grateful for the family you have, no matter how it was built. Families are not made only one way and that is what makes them special. They all have their story.
ReplyDeleteI also think it is wonderful that you guys have been forward and open from the beginning with Major about his adoption. I swear I think he looks so much like both of you so he very easily could just assume that he is yours, but the honesty and openness that you guys have shared with him will make him very proud as he grows up. I hope you are saving all of these blogs for him to read too. I do blog2print to print mine into a book. It is really wonderful to look back on.
Thanks for the sweet words :) I think honesty is the best policy! And blog2print.....I'll check hat out.
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