Grateful

Yesterday, after spending some time with his aunt who is gonna have a new baby soon, Major whispered in my ear..."do you wish you didn't have a boo boo in your belly so I could grow in you and not in Maelynn?"



My answer:


"Yes baby, I wish that so much, but I am so grateful for you and for Maelynn and how she brought you from heaven."


In his precious little 4 year old world, that was it. He hugged me then started playing again. I'm so grateful for his innocence, his transparency, his honesty in knowing our story.

I prayed with him that night and thanked God for his life. I also prayed for him to know that he grew in my heart just not under it and that was ok because that's how God designed for our family to be.


Still, the knot in my throat hasn't gone away.


I struggle, still, with infertility. With the stupid WHY question. I struggle a little when people ask me when Major will have a brother or sister. We laugh and say we are "one and done", but I don't wish that. That's just how it is. I cope with it.

I'm in a better place now than I was a year or so ago when I think about babies. I don't have baby fever like I did before. I don't ache anymore. I know God gave us a precious gift in Major. He is for us to love and spoil and focus on. Just him. I'm grateful for that.

But we are at a point in Majors life where he is asking lots of questions about his story, Maelynn, his adoption, why I can't grow babies like other Mamas and those things will never be easy. The conversations, questions, all of that's hard. I never want him to feel different because of how he came to us. I never want him to feel like he is less of me because of his adoption. My prayer is that he knows he was CHOSEN to be ours. 

His little hand fitting inside of mine, my fingers scratching his sweet little back, his arms around my neck and a love bigger than any love I could fathom makes all the stuff that doesn't make sense ok. It makes it all ok. He is mine, I am his, forever and ever and ever. 

Run Mama Run

Well, well, well....I didn't die...or fall off the face of the earth, I've just been ridiculously busy living life. I'm gonna recap (for myself because I know y'all don't care) so that I don't forget.....

So:
I finished training for the half
We went to the beach
I ran a half  13.1 miles
We bought  a car
Major has to have his first tooth pulled

I'll just do a running post since the beach one will be way long.
You know when you think about doing something it feels like "hey, let's go climb Mt. Everest" big? You commit to it, rethink it, think you are crazy while doing it then you do it and it feels awesome, amazing, accomplished but far less Mt. Everest-ish......That's how I describe the last 4 months.

I remember being in the car and telling Josh that it'd be super awesome to run a half marathon "one day" and that it would be a good thing to put on the "bucket list"....mine is just a mental one, but still. Never did I think in the same year I'd run said half marathon.
I remember being talked into it, thinking I was nuts because I could only run 3 miles comfortably. 
I remember sitting on my deck in the warm May sunshine mapping out my training for the next 4 months.
I remember that feeling like Everest.
I remember thinking I can do this, even if there was still a little doubt in there too.
My training was do-able.
Slow and steady.
Stretched it over 4.5 months.
I committed to it.
My body changed a little, but my mindset changed a lot.
I started to enjoy running.
Now, I LOVE running.

 At home at 5 am thinking he is leaving for work...

 Before with the girls who talked me into this whole thing. I am super proud of all 3 of us :) 

October 13 came and I felt ready. I was nervous picking up my packet but knew I was prepared and trained. I began the race and for 7 miles I felt amazing. My body felt great, no cramping or anything crazy. I did have to pee, but that feeling went away :) I got to mile 8 and started feeling a little tired, I was on the backstretch of the course which was long and kinda boring. Mile 9 was a change in scenery which was awesome but miles 10 and 11 were pretty blah. I was ready to be done. I knew at mile 11 I was on the downhill though, so I focused on that. Mile 12 came and at this point, my pace had slowed about 10 seconds. I pushed through that though and rounded the curve and entered the track and field stadium. That was an amazing feeling. As I am rounding the last corner, I spot a poster with my name. No one was supposed to be there for me at the finish. Josh was on shift so I thought it may have been Kathy or Brandi's family. I looked up at who was holding the poster and it was JOSH! I was so so so happy. I couldn't believe he tricked me, came and made posters. I was thrilled. That totally made the whole experience for me. I was so grateful to have him at the finish and to be surprised that way.

 Mile 6

I look like an idiot, but I had just seen the sign and realized that Josh was there

Grateful for a sweet and thoughtful husband for for all his support and words of encouragement.

Our AFTER! We made it girls! Our first 13.1 in the books :)

I was happy for how the race went, how I felt and my finishing time. I was proud to finish and say that I ran every single step of that 13+ miles. The goal was to finish in under 2:30. I finished in 2:10 and am hooked! I could run a race every month. Next year, the goal will be a little more aggressive, I think, but I was really proud of myself.