Remembering not to ask why

I had to pull out our adoption stuff tonight to get the appropriate paperwork for our taxes. (I know, we are pushing it). This is how I feel........................................................... I have so many feelings when I look at this stuff. I am overwhelmed. I want to say that I wouldn't take one single minute, not one tear, shot, negative doctor's report, not one dollar or struggle back. I wouldn't take any of it because one single thing would have lead me to someone or something other than Major, but I still don't understand. I really have healed and feel ok with not being pregnant or whatever, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't struggle and today is a struggle. I hate that I look through a file of his "prenatal" life and know that we didn't create him. I hate that he has a "birthmother".  I hate that his adoption is filed with legal documents. I hate that that damn file sits next to the Nashville Fertility Center file. I hate the feelings that I have when I look at them both. I hate that "Adoption File #2" is in there but we can't have another baby because the process is too costly. It's unfair.

I want more than anything to have a baby with my husband, with the person that I love more than anything in the world. I want to feel my baby move and have the experience of growing him/her inside of me. I want to just decide, oh Major is 3 1/2 now, let's give him a brother or sister. I have to take comfort in that God made me this way for a reason. He provided this struggle in my life so that I could be Major's mama. He puts me through days like this so that I always remember to hold my baby closer. I don't ever think that I will be 100% ok with not being able to be pregnant though. I think I am at peace with it because I have to be. Regardless, I look at Major can't help but to see God's amazing grace. I know that He is faithful and that if we are meant to be a family of 4, he will help provide a way for us. I know that without a lot of prayers and guidance from Him we wouldn't have been lead to Maj. The same prayers are being said that were said the first time except this time I am giving thanks for Major, for my infertility, and for the struggles before me. I know they make me stronger, they make me a better mom, they make me into the person that God is meaning for me to be.

When my mother-in-law got sick, she told me to never ask why. She told me that in asking that, you wouldn't get an answer, so don't worry with that. Instead fight through the struggle. Every single time I begin to cry about this and start to ask that question, I think about her. She did everything with grace and was genuinely the best person I have ever known. I hope in dealing with my infertility I can do it with half as much grace as she handled anything in her life.

The truth is, deep down I know why. I know that I was meant to be Major's mom and Josh was meant to be his dad. I know that he is an angel and he was created so perfectly for us. I know that I would feel the same about any baby that was ours but he is special because God chose Major for us. He placed us together and made us a family. I am grateful for that, thankful, and happy. No matter where this life leads us, whether it is to raise Major as an only or to give him a sibling one day, I find peace in our situation and in the fact that I serve a God that knows my heart better than me, even when it is sad and feels broken.